While I was playing Elder Scrolls Online:
3yo: I need to do my boss training.
Me: Boss training? Or horse training?
3yo: The bosses aren't strong enough. You are strong enough. I need to teach them to fight you and then you will say, "Wow! I did not see that coming!"
3yo: When I was growing in your tummy I was happy. Then you spit me out and I was a big girl.
Me: You were in my tummy for 41 weeks! You did not want to come out. Then the doctor-
3yo: Gave the good girl speech and then I wanted to come out because that's how that works!
3yo: I need a fork!
Husband: I just gave you a fork! What did you do with it?
1yo: *Busily shoving spaghetti in her mouth with two forks.*
Me: you're sad because 1yo is in the seat you wanted.
3yo: Yeah.
Me: Is she happy, sitting in that seat?
3yo: Yeah!
Me: Do you like when she is happy?
3yo: Yeah!
Me: Can you be happy for her while you are sad for yourself?
3yo: No! I want to be happy in her seat!
Grandma (on phone): What are you doing right now?
3yo: Going to school! Mommy is driving Car.
Grandma: Is it a long drive to school?
3yo: Yes, but Mommy's car is faster so we're gonna catch up!
3yo: Give me back my baby!
1yo: No.
Me: 1yo wants to stay with her Mommy.
3yo: She's my baby and I want her back.
1yo: No. No way.
Me (typing): Representative... Mary...
3yo: Why are you talking about my sister?
Me: Not your sister. Remember how every year we get to vote for the people we trust to write the rules? Someone named Mary is running for re-election and-
1yo (running in circles): Mary run? Okay, Mommy, I run! Wheeeee!
1yo (waving an electronic toy): Uh! Uh! Uh!
Me (turning it on): Just say "On please" and someone can turn it off for you.
3yo: Off please!
Husband: I can't find the other masks.
Me: This is why I spent $100 on kid masks.
Husband: So we can get through one week of daycare?
3yo: They're spread around here and you're not gonna find them. They're hidden somewhere and you have to figure it out.
The search continues...
Husband: How did this get under the sofa? Someone really had to work at it to get this toy under there.
3yo: Me! It was me!
Me: 3yo, time to pick out your mask! Which one did you want to wear today?
1yo: What 'bout me? What 'bout me? Mask! Mask!
3yo: Shoo! Shoo cat shoo!
1yo (pointing to her foot): Shoe!
Husband: Not that kind of shoe. This shoe means "Go away."
1yo: Bye bye, shoe!
3yo: I want to wear my shoes!
Me: Okay, but we're not going outside.
3yo: Because we have to wait for our mystery guest! And then we can go to the desert and play!
1yo: Uh oh!
Me: Are you saying that because you threw your food on the floor? Or because you got caught?
1yo: Ummmmmm... Rats!
Me: Do you want a kiss?
1yo: Noooooooo!
Husband: Do you want a hug?
1yo: Noooooooo!
Me: Do you want to read a book?
1yo: Noo- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Husband: *Recites 3yo's name over and over for a full minute.* Does that bother you?
3yo (grinning happily) No!
Husband: Well that backfired.
1yo (waving her Mickey Mouse toy at me as I change 3yo's diaper): How 'bout me? How 'bout me?
Me: You want me to change Mickey's diaper?
1yo: Yeah!
3yo: I don't know about that.
1yo was so excited at the prospect of waking up her 3yo sister today, 3yo heard her excitement, rolled to the edge of the bed, and pretended to snore.
3yo (after husband shaved): What did you do with your mustache, Daddy? Cut it off? Or drop it on the floor?
