LIMINALITY
Table of Contents
Prologue Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16 Chapter 17 Chapter 18 Chapter 19 Chapter 20 Chapter 21 Chapter 22 Chapter 23 Chapter 24 Chapter 25 Chapter 26 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Chapter 31 Chapter 32 Chapter 33 Chapter 34 Chapter 35 Chapter 36 Chapter 37 Chapter 38 Chapter 39 Chapter 40 Chapter 41 Chapter 42 Chapter 43 Chapter 44 Chapter 45 Chapter 46 Chapter 47 Chapter 48 Chapter 49 Chapter 50 Chapter 51 Chapter 52 Chapter 53 Chapter 54 Chapter 56 Chapter 55 Chapter 56 Chapter 57 Chapter 58 Chapter 59 Chapter 60 Chapter 61 Chapter 62 Chapter 63 Chapter 64 Chapter 65 Chapter 66 Chapter 67 Chapter 68 Chapter 69 ENDChapter 30
Sitting on the roof with his spear placed down at the side, Janus looked up at the starry sky in silence, contemplating the purpose of his existence in this world. His thoughts drift off to various subjects, yet no conclusion has come to mind for him.
Not to mention, he doesn't have any reason to leave his spot since there is nothing remotely interesting to do. Well, except for one thing, and that was to experience the most beautiful feeling in the universe, which he has already achieved.
Having equal footing with someone, and it turns out he himself had already achieved it. There is someone who can match his power. And yet, that feeling he once had began to dissipate the more he continued to have to deal with mundane routines for days on end.
What is he truly missing aside from believing himself to be the strongest out there? Aside from being a challenger, is fighting really his purpose? No, it's something more precious and grand than what he expected. A god such as him can do whatever they want, and it doesn't matter to whom or what gets in the way of that.
Even with all of that, he still feels empty. He can't figure out what he's actually looking for. A purpose in his life is nice and all, but there has to be something else that would give meaning to the life he can't fathom. Flexing his hand, he clenches it tightly into his fist while thinking deeply, his eyes still fixated on the night sky above.
"Sad now, are we?" Culsans butted in with a sly, cheerful expression in his tone, "Mind sharing your problems with little 'ol me?" He said it in a rather cheeky, sarcastic way as their host became visibly irritated at having his concentration interrupted by him.
"No," blunt and straight to the point, "I don't have a need for such a petty conversation with you or anyone else," clearly dismissive of what the voice had to say, refusing to acknowledge the question whilst keeping his sight at the stars as usual.
With a huff, "fine, have it your way," said the annoyed Culsans as he then left without saying another word, leaving Janus by himself. With that, the god of time got back to contemplating the pestering distraction that he had allowed to happen.
However, the narrator chimed in, "Some chose to continue the day like before; others reflect on what they have done in their lives. Which one are you, Janus?" Knowing what the other has in mind, "are you to stay here for eternity and watch the stars every single moment for all eternity?"
"Why are you here?" Expressing more annoyance than ever, "I don't want to talk anymore," feeling sick of listening to someone else's voice in his own head, "leave me alone!" Yelling in frustration while glaring at the abyssal sky.
"Very well then, I won't disturb you any longer." Giving in, the Narrator disappeared, leaving the Roman god once again with nothing more than his thoughts, allowing this insufferable loneliness from dawn till dusk to begin to torture him from the inside.
He can't understand himself; why is he feeling so conflicted about his own existence? Moreover, what's wrong with him for having these types of emotions? Ever since he was brought to this world, he has become more...human in a sense, or as mortals call themselves.
This was the first time he ever felt so alone in the world that he couldn't have to worry about his own well-being. To put it plainly, his beginning to actually comprehend what humans feel when they are left out from the rest of the world is almost similar to social pariah but much worse.
But that's impossible; he shouldn't worry about these dumb feelings! They only get in the way, and yet, here he is, contemplating his own life in such a miserable state. He can't describe the emptiness; it was a horrible feeling to begin with.
As he brought his hand onto his own chest, clutching it tighter than ever, he looked down at it and began to regret ever fighting someone. Besides the isolation, the battle with Cthulhu was what set him off in the first place.
What would've happened if he hadn't met him in the first place? He didn't know the answer to that, and perhaps that was for the best. So the only thing he can do is just let destiny do its own thing and keep going on with his own life, forgetting the past and trying to shape the future to be what he would or would not expect it to be.
"Hey!"
Who? Confused, he turned his head left and right without realizing it was coming from below. "That voice..." Eyes widening, he lowered down to see Saomi waving her hand at him, "Oh, its you," sighing in exhaustion as he remained on his spot. What do you want?" He asked nonchalantly,
"To have some chat with you!" She answered eagerly, with a bright, friendly smile on her face, "Do you mind if I sit with you?" Saomi politely asked, clearly showing that she wants to learn more about her companion on a personal level, which would make the latter rather hesitant.
Sighing once more, Janus relented and motioned for her to come to him with a hand and say, "Alright, but try not to ask too many questions." Whether he made the right choice is up to him in the future, as he clearly doesn't care anymore other than what he will do from now on.
Jumping over the roof, she walked towards him before sitting next to the primordial deity. "Schrodinger shouldn't have acted like that," she said, turning her attention towards Janus with a somewhat angry expression. "That was an asshole thing he did to you," she pointed out bluntly.
"Yeah, he can be pretty dense at times," replied Janus while smiling weakly, "but if you were thinking that was the reason why I am in this, then your surely mistaken," he told her softly, confusing the girl a bit from the reason of suddenly leaving the dining room.
"Then what is it?" She was curious, and she wanted to know what's the real reason why the Roman deity is having this dilemma in his mind: "So what's the real reason then?" She continued to push the question to the point that he must spill it out.
Inhaling then exhaled air from his own mouth, Janus closed his eyes and spoke what's on his mind: "It's about me." He began to speak with a tone of melancholy, "even though my existence as God is of beginnings and ends, transitions and entrances. But..."
"But what?"
How does he explain it without further embarrassing himself? "About my reason for being created," Janus said while not noticing that the young woman was listening to him with rapt attention, "it's not about being here or being forced by others or myself."
Saomi nodded, seeming to understand what the Roman God was trying to say: "You are questioning why you exist in the first place?" It wasn't an easy question to answer, and Janus knew that, but it was the question that plagued the minds of every man, woman, and child alike.
Why does everyone exist? What is the purpose of life? It's a question that has plagued mankind since the beginning of time, and there is no simple answer or easy way to explain it. But Janus thought he might have some insight—some small piece to give him a clue.
And before his omniscience was gone, he knew every answer had possibilities and impossibilities, with no true reason why he existed in the first place. So Janus explained everything as he truly understood it, with no filter or exaggeration.
"It's just so confusing," he said, shaking his head tiredly. "Everything exists for a reason, whether it's impossible or not, but I couldn't fathom why I have to exist in the first place or why there is an answer for it anyway." He was genuinely confused and frustrated by this whole concept.
He had tried so hard to figure it out but had no idea how to even begin. What is behind the truth and lie, where their question can be truly answered with the fact that how they perceive reality in their own perspective or perhaps beyond, is just that in itself?
So the only thing he could do was look for an answer—finding one that is already manifested and made—rather than searching for one that isn't. And the closest thing he could find was where the lines of truth and lies become blurry.
She confusedly asked, "We have answers to our questions, right?" Putting up a solution for themselves, "If we have one, then we must take it to ourselves to do that," the woman replied as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.
But he refused: "What if I found my answer but wasn't satisfied?" There is no doubt in his mind that he had, but there were so many of them in different versions and realities that it became not an answer but just an excuse to continue believing a lie.
He was born from nothing, made with lies like everyone else, and is forced to be placed in a system where an uncaring universe creates what is true and what is false. And that is why he still can't fathom his own existence in being alive to begin with.
Saomi scratched the back of her head, trying to comprehend the situation they are in. "If you feel lost in your life, then at least give a purpose to yourself just to know the reason why you exist at all," the young woman said, encountering him to do something fulfilling in his life.
Shrugging depressingly, "someone had already done it, and so another me did." Pessimism loomed over him, and he didn't want to dwell on that. "So why look for one when we already have the answer?" Janus muttered darkly.
Looking at him with bewildered eyes, "you..." A sad look graced her face. "You are just lonely," a melancholic smile is all that the young woman has shown: "What you said is perhaps true, but it doesn't take the fact that we can make something out of it from not the past or future but this very moment we are sharing."
This caught his attention, making him look at her incredulously. "Nothing is worth doing anything; it's already been done one way or another," he confessed, not seeing any point in trying anything when there is no reason to in the first place.
He narrowed his eyes, looking up and down at her in observant display. "There are so many countless realities; we have done things differently," reasoning the futile endeavor in even trying, "why bother to do anything at all? It's pointless if you ask me."
Reaching her hand towards him, she opened her palm and said, "Hold me."
"What?"
"You heard what I said," she smiled kindly.
"I don't understand."
"Neither do I."
Janus scoffed, crossing his arms in protest before finally giving in, "Fine." He brought his hand to her as their fingers entwined. He felt her hand on his, the warmth of it radiating in his palm. A feeling of security and peace washed over him, and he closed his eyes, letting it envelop him.
"What is this?" He doesn't understand it, but somehow, it feels nice: "What are you trying to do?" He's still suspicious of what's happening, but he keeps on holding onto her regardless because he's still curious to know the reason why.
Saomi took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as she spoke, "I am showing you how much I care for you as a friend," smiling softly, "and how much your life is worth living in this very moment we are in." This completely caught his guard.
Friend? She considers him a friend. What manner of madness is this? He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He can't even begin to imagine what the world must look like through her eyes, if that's what she truly thinks. How could she comprehend when his immortal deity and she were mortal humans?
"I don't need your sympathy," he calmly responded, but he made sure his tone was clear and firm. His heart was racing in his chest, he felt his blood pounding in his ears, and his whole body was tingling with a mixture of uncertainty and confusion. "I've lived longer than you and seen things that would drive you mad." His gaze held hers firmly.
She nodded slowly, a small smile still playing at the corner of her lips. "I know your god and we lesser mortals can't comprehend the way your people do things," she said, tilting her head curiously. "But that doesn't mean I can't try to understand from our own perspectives," she said, raising an eyebrow. "Right?"
Janus's grip tightened. "If you think your tricks can make me do as you say, then your wrong," he said, shaking his head in frustration. "The universe is cruel and uncaring; there is no point in doing anything," his voice low, almost a whisper.
Frowning slightly, "I'm not trying to make you do anything," she said quietly, "I just want you to see things differently, how we humans make our own lives interesting and fulfilling," placing her other hand over her own heart, "not from the past or future, but in this moment we are in, right here, right now."
Her words were soothing to him. He felt them wash over his pain and loneliness, which he had been having for so long. "I..." He was confused, uncertain, and had no clue where this was coming from. There was no denying that he'd seen some pretty amazing things in his time, but nothing like this before. It was intoxicating and frightening all at once.
After moments of silence, she said, "The love to care for one another in this world is what makes us alive," turning her body away, "it doesn't matter how big or small; as long as it makes us happy and our lives fulfilled, then it helps us keep motivated in living."
Her optimistic words were like a knife in his heart: "Saomi, do you love me?" He questioned, looking at her, who in turn returned the gesture, "tell me, do you love me as a friend?" Asking once more, this time slower and more deliberately.
She then turned to look at him with that same expression on her face, sadness that seemed to have been etched in her very soul. "I am not sure what I am feeling," she said, giggling softly as she looked up with her hand still in his, "but I know that it's been platonic love ever since I laid my eyes on you."
"I...see," no further words were needed as the pair brought their eyes to the heavens above.
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